What Happens to Behaviour When It Walks Into Therapy

When behaviour is more than disruption: the therapeutic lens.

The longer I work in therapeutic spaces, the more obvious it becomes: young people don’t bring their behaviour into the counselling room. They bring the reasons for it.

One of my earliest job titles was Behaviour Support Worker. I worked with teenagers at risk of exclusion, most of whom were labelled as having “bad behaviour”. The title still exists, but many UK schools now prefer terms like Pastoral Support Worker, Intervention Support, or Pupil Support Assistant. The shift in terminology hints at a wider shift in thinking.

Traditionally, “bad behaviour” was viewed as:

• a moral failing

• an immature choice

• defiance

• stupidity

• sometimes even “evil”

As psychological and sociological understanding has grown, trauma-informed practice, ACE-aware approaches, attachment theory, and SEND code of practice, including neurodiversity awareness, our view has shifted. But not neatly. Schools, families, local authorities, and services often hold a patchwork of old and new models. This makes the landscape inconsistent and, at times, contradictory.

What Do I Mean by “Behaviour”?

The word “behaviour” historically comes with heavy connotations in schools and communities. It often implies good people versus bad people, right versus wrong, compliant versus defiant. For this article, I want to be very clear:

When I use the word “behaviour”, I mean the outward expression of an internal state: what a young person does when their ability to cope, regulate, or communicate is overwhelmed.

Behaviour can be:

• a coping strategy

• communication

• a reaction to stress or threat

• an attempt to regain control or safety

• an expression of unmet need

• a learned survival response

It is rarely about choice alone. It is almost always about capacity. When the word behaviour is used, it usually means that these outward expressions have negatively impacted those around them.

When I first moved into counselling, my work still centred on students who found themselves in trouble. And here’s where my deliberations started, between support and consequence. Yes, we all need to be accountable for our behaviour. Young people cannot verbally abuse others, cause harm, or repeatedly disrupt learning without consequence. Communities need boundaries.

But behaviour is rarely the straightforward choice we assume it is. Young people are rarely “just bad”.

There is a whole separate conversation to be had about the way we apply consequences to young people for their behaviour, both in the home, education and community.

The Real Tension: Boundaries and Understanding

How do we balance the need for boundaries and consequences supporting communities and the vulnerable, whilst recognising the need to explore and understand what is happening for the one acting out, especially in big institutions like schools?

Professionals often feel they must choose between two opposing positions:

1. Boundaries, rules and consequences or

2. Empathy, context and understanding

But effective practice requires both.

Young people need:

• predictability

• safety

• clear expectations

• fair consequences

They also need:

• curiosity about what sits beneath their behaviour

• adults who understand their internal state

• relational repair, not just punishment

• opportunities to learn new coping strategies

This is where therapeutic work becomes invaluable.

How Counselling Approaches Behaviour Differently

Therapy doesn’t replace consequences.

It sits alongside them.

Our role is to explore:

• What is the behaviour communicating?

• What threat the young person is perceiving?

• What coping strategies do they have access to?

• How can they express the same feelings in safer ways?

We are not there to excuse the behaviour, but to understand it.

Callum

One day, tucked away in my counselling room, I heard heavy footsteps pounding down the corridor, followed by a raised voice:

“Now CALM DOWN, Callum! You can’t do this. I need you to stop right now!”

A moment later, my door handle jolted.

“FOR FUCK’S SAKE—DON’T YOU GET IT? JUST FUCK OFF! I’M GOING TO SEE HELEN, SO FUCK OFF!”

The door flew open. Callum stood red-faced, panting—yet he closed the door with a surprisingly gentle click. He stayed standing, catching his breath. After a few seconds of silence, we heard his teacher sigh, then walk away.

Callum collapsed into his seat, head in hands, muttering “bitch” under his breath.

“Bad day then?” I asked lightly.

“Yeah.”

He told me about the past 24 hours: chaos at home, adults mishandling a difficult situation, genuine fears. I couldn’t tell him everything would be okay.

Then Miss Snaith had asked about his homework. He hadn’t done it. He had bigger things on his mind.

She lectured him about exams.
He told her to “fuck off”.
Understandable, given the context—not his finest moment, but understandable.

“Knowing everything that’s happened,” I said, “it’s impressive you’re even in school today.”

“Exactly! You GET it. Why don’t THEY?”

“Well… does Miss Snaith know anything about what’s going on? Or much about your life at all?”

“No…” He started to realise.

“It sounds like she was doing her job, but without the full picture. Is she really a bitch?”

He half-laughed, “Ahh fuck, maybe just a little. Nah, not really. I’ll go and say sorry. Do you think I’ll still get in trouble?”

“I mean… You did shout ‘fuck’ quite a lot. And that was just the bit I heard.”

He sighed. “Yeah. Fair enough.”

Why “Behaviour” Rarely Shows Up in the Therapy Room

In 15 years of practice, I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve seen what schools would classify as “behaviour” inside a session. And every time, it involved:

• substance use before the session, or

• the young person arriving already in a full crisis

The counselling room is different because:

• Demands are low

• There is no audience, and so...

• Shame is removed

• Boundaries are clear and predictable

• The environment is emotionally safe

Young people know what is and isn’t OK because it’s contracted explicitly:

• Don’t attend under the influence.

• You can’t harm me, yourself, or the space.

• If you’re overwhelmed, we make a plan.

• If you’re unsure, we talk about it.

When safety increases, behaviour decreases.

In some settings, psychosis, drug use, and community violence, considering robust safety plans, panic buttons, and lone-working protocols are essential. But even then, the therapeutic stance remains the same:

Therapy works with the young person beneath the behaviour, not the behaviour itself.

We sit alongside the consequences.

It is a privilege to work in a space that allows us to see the human being underneath the survival strategy.

🍃💛 Moment to reflect: What does the word ‘behaviour’ mean for you, and how does it show up in your practice?

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