Addressing taboo topics with young adults
The importance of conversations around sex and intimacy
It can be easy to believe that in today’s modern world with all knowledge at our fingertips that young people have all the information that they need. Sometimes this is true. Sometimes they know more than us. However taboo topics still exist, misinformation is rampant and young people still have many questions.
Secret worries, believing that things are wrong about them, fear, uncertainty and alienation all contribute to mental health and well-being. Today I’m advocating for stepping boldly (but politely) into the taboo and walking alongside our young people as they navigate these confusing areas.
This 2021 report is a few years out of date but the conclusions drawn from it are just as valid, if you have time please read it, especially if you work in education.
https://www.zerotolerance.org.uk/resources/1617899012_YOUNG-PEOPLE-RESEARCH-REPORT-2021.pdf
One of the findings is that 58% of participants responded learning that ‘sexual desire’ was normal for boys, as opposed to 21% who had learnt that this was normal for girls. A that sex education is still focused on heteronormative sexual intercourse which is about conception, simply to make a baby.
Our awareness of sex and intimacy begins years before a making a baby and even years before penetrative sex. It begins not even with another person. It begins with young adults knowing their own body; how it feels, how it responds, what feels good cognitively and emotionally as well as physically. It should begin with knowing that these thoughts are not wrong, naughty, disgusting or immoral but healthy normal parts of development, and just because you think something, doesn’t make it true, we are made to think of many different options. And that physical self exploration in masturbation is also a healthy part of development.
Sex is not just penis in vagina penetration, it is the whole spectrum of intimacy starting from a gentle caress of hands or sexual thoughts and conversations. Sex looks different for different people, because of likes, dislikes, abilities and choices. But because this is not in mainstream education, because education is still focused on the biology of conception with perhaps a brief nod to consent, then we as professionals need to bring these topics forward. Sometimes this is hard, often educators hands are tied by outdated policies, there is a narrative in some communities that these conversations are sexualising and damaging our children. The reality is that children can’t be safe if they don’t know what safe and unsafe looks like and they don’t have the language or knowledge to disclose abuse.
This change begins with professionals being educated themselves, let’s not forget that we all had this substandard sex education as well and often our professional education around sex, intimacy and sexual identity is brief at best. So taking on some more knowledge is key, this can come in many forms but I would recommend MJ Barkers literature:
https://www.rewriting-the-rules.com
Part of this learning comes with examining your own comfort levels, biases and prejudices. Because we are taught that these topics are taboo, wrong or impolite even as professional it can be instinctive to move away from these topics, to squirm in your seats, to hear the strict voices from your youth. Take this to supervision, discuss it with your peers and absorb all the information you can till you feel comfortable, and if you don’t, don’t discuss it with young adults, it is better to refer on than pass on your own discomfort or negativity.
One of the main factors that make this communication easier is using the correct terminology, or if you feel it’s beneficial to join a client in their terminology, make sure your are talking about the same thing. Discussing ‘whatnots’ and ‘dingdongs’ can become pretty confusing. You as a professional using the right words, without flinching or showing embarrassment means a young person feels safe and less likely to be judged and therefore more likely to ask the questions or share the stories they need to.
Normalising these conversations opens up the world or young people’s personal experiences, perceptions, potential traumas, but also the narratives they were brought up with, the frameworks of their family, their religion, their community, their peers, culture and the social media they are accessing. All of these frameworks can be different and this can be incredibly confusing when judgement and consequences can feel so strong from all these different areas. Offering a space to explore all of this without fear of judgement can be hugely important to development and wellbeing.
Remember that it can take time to build a sense of safety before these conversations may happen, but making it obvious that the space you are offering is a safe place for those conversations means they are far more likely to happen. I have been asked a question about sex at the end of a session about a very different topic, it’s safer as they are leaving; if it’s embarrassing they can run away, never bring it up again, but if safe then it may be the focus of your next session. Be clear about what you do and don’t need to disclose, what limits your organisation’s policies may place on you and what you can offer your young adult in support, modelling open honesty. It may be that you need to bring in different strategies to explore safely, creative methods, role play, narrative work etc, use whatever tools you have access to and your young person feels comfortable with, just as you would in any other therapeutic work.
After speaking to different professionals in different arenas I am very aware that the education, and frameworks available to support in this area are really limited, we are often handcuffed by archaic policies, scaremongering, institutions reacting out of self protection and lack of support. I am keen to hear what others professionals think and are seeing in their day to day practice, please share your thoughts and experiences.
